If there's one thing I'm learning through this journey, it's that patience continues to be a virtue that I have yet to master. If you know me, you are not surprised by that.
I've spent the past week in a holding pattern, waiting for my white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets to recover from my latest round of chemo. My counts need to reach certain levels before I can move forward with my stem cell transplant.
When we checked my bloodwork on Monday, I was hoping things were finally leveling off. Instead, Friday's results showed that everything had dropped even further. Ugh!
My transplant has already been delayed two weeks, and now I'm guessing we're looking at another week. My leukemia doctor reassured me that waiting a little longer is okay, and I trust him. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
Because here's the thing….I am not good at sitting around doing nothing. Never have been. I'm one of those people who loves being busy at work. I thrive on packed schedules, a million things happening at once, and feeling productive. And right now, my biggest daily accomplishment is waiting for my bone marrow to get its act together. Which is not particularly fulfilling.
I haven't even been able to exercise much to burn off my frustration because my red blood cells have been so low that I've been getting short of breath just walking around. So walking and meditating have been about the extent of my physical activity.
And there's only so much meditating a girl can do before she wants to scream into a pillow.
Then there's my dad. He arrived in Houston on Tuesday to take over caretaker duties, only to start feeling sick the next day. He immediately moved into a hotel to avoid exposing me to whatever he had. Turns out it's the flu. So now he's in Houston, but I can't actually see him. Perfect.
And to top off Friday's festivities, my bloodwork earned me a platelet transfusion and two units of red blood cells. So I got to spend a whole Friday at MD Anderson getting blood transfusions until 11pm.
I'm just really tired of waiting. Tired of having no control over my timeline. Tired of watching appointments and procedures get pushed further down the calendar. Tired of feeling physically limited when my mind is ready to go a hundred miles an hour. But most of all, tired of being so far away from my kids while I sit here waiting for something I can't make happen any faster.
I am so grateful for my body for handling the chemo so well thus far. And I know there are good medical reasons for waiting. And I am so so grateful that I’m in remission and preparing for a transplant with my sister's cells. But I can know all of those things and still have a really crappy day. And yesterday was one of them.
But then came Saturday.
This morning, I woke up feeling AMAZING. I stood up without getting dizzy. I walked around without panting like I'd just run a marathon. I actually felt like a normal human being again. Turns out having enough red blood cells to breath feels amazing.
I started my morning with my first Reiki session here in Houston, which was wonderful. Afterward, I decided to walk the 2.5 miles home. It was great! I felt like one of those athletes who illegally blood-dopes before the Tour de France. Seriously. I was cruising.
Just yesterday, I'd walked two miles but had to stop constantly, leaning on anything nearby for support or looking for somewhere to sit. Today? I felt like I could walk forever.
Thank you, anonymous blood donors. You have no idea how much of a difference you've made in my life.
And on my walk home, I stumbled upon a place called Cancer Survivors Park. It's not even affiliated with MD Anderson. Just a park dedicated to people who have been through cancer. I stopped by and walked around, took some pictures, soaked it all in, and then told the park I'd be back to visit in a few years.
And now I'm waiting for something much more exciting than blood counts: my bestie- Allyn!
Allyn and I have been best friends since Wake Forest. She lives in Dallas, and the last time I saw her was two years ago when my fam visited her for the solar eclipse and came home with Dallas, our dog. She's coming for a quick visit this weekend, and I absolutely cannot wait to see her.
So that's where things stand.
I'm still waiting for my counts to recover. Still waiting for my transplant. Still trying to be patient with a process over which I have absolutely no control.
I’m learning big lessons while I’m here. Including being positive doesn't mean every day has to be a good day. And having a bad day doesn't mean I've lost my optimism.
Friday was shit. Saturday was pretty amazing.
And while I can't control how quickly my bone marrow regenerates, I can appreciate the good days when they come.
So for now, I'll keep appreciating my body for what it is doing to get us through this, finding things to laugh about, and most of all appreciating the people who show up for me.
And I’ll continue to hurry up and wait.